Swine Flu Is Gonna Get You

The latest craze these days is the Swine Flu, but what is it, and how can you get it? Its pretty simple, really. Its actually an Influenza A H1N1 virus, though it's supposedly a bit different than others that we've seen before. The name was sexed up for the media, so there's no reason to go eat a bunch of pork in hopes that you can join the craze; that won't work.

If you're into the mass media, you might think the Swine Flu is different b/c it kills people. You would be wrong to assume that. In fact, it's actually killing less people than average, when compared to other flu strains that kill approximately 36,000 people per yer in the US. As of today, only one person has died of the Swine Flu in the US, a 23 month old toddler in Texas.

Some news outlets are reporting that this flu is better (or worse, depends on how you look at it) than other strains of flu b/c it has human-to-human transmission. A simple handshake, or even touching the door handles at you local community college can give you Swine Flu. It's a good idea to get it now, while supplies last! If you survive it (you will), you will theoretically make your genes more resistant if not immune to future outbreaks, so think of the children before you put on that gas-mask.

The real news about Swine Flu is that it isn't important. It's not 1918, we have advanced health care, and we understand how viruses work. As long as you aren't a baby or a local of Mexico City, you have very little chance of contracting or dying from H1N1. They're only telling you about this to scare you. Before this, who was even aware that normal Flu killed 36,000/yr in the US? Two weeks ago if you had gotten the Flu you would've laid in bed with a 7-Up and some Campbells Chunky Chicken Noodle Soup. Today you would speed to the hospital wearing a mask fearing your untimely demise.

Instead of living in fear, you can be one of the cool kids. If you get Swine Flu, you can be a local celebrity in no time! You'll be at minimal risk of death, and at maximum chance of sexiness. So, keep your head up, and go lick some door handles, shake hands with the guy or girl coughing right next to you, or even fly to Mexico City for a week. Just make sure you do it before the trend is over, and the media has to resort back to tales of dangerous drug dealers and economic disasters.

"Fear spreads faster than the most sinister of diseases."
-Psilocybe Cubensis